INCEPTION: THE PORNO

So Thursday at lunch, I'm on the eliptical listening to my work-out playlist when a song from the "Inception" soundtrack comes on. Immediately (and naturally), I started thinking about what the porn version of Inception would be like. I thought about it for so long I spent ten more minutes on the eliptical than I normally would have! Who says burning calories is boring?

• Obviously the title would be "Insertion" in America and "Insemenation" abroad.


• The plot of the movie would be this: one of the most powerful CEOs in the country hires the Inception crew to turn his daughter (who is a lesbian) into a heterosexual. To do this they are going to enter her dreams, through some mix of technology and drug that is never fully explained, and implant the idea that she should like dudes. But since the mind is so tricky they have to do it in a wet dream within a wet dream within a wet dream.


• Since all the action takes place in a dream, there is no real stakes/tension to all that is going on. So to counter the fact that you don't give a damn that they can't get hurt, I'm going to add some form of emotional investment : the main character Cock, (Leo's character is named Cobb...what else would I pick) wants to get back into the US of A to see his children (just so he can say "I just want my kids back" a la Tom Jane in Arrested Development). The reason he can't enter is because the FBI thinks he killed his wife. You see, Cock and his wife kept doing it in the dream world. They did it there so much, that the dream world and the real world blurred together and the wife realized she left the oven on in the kitchen. She needed to wake up, but Cock was distracted and couldn't make her come. The only other way to wake up from a dream is to die, so she jumped out the window. Turns out she wasn't in the dream. Because of his penis' failure to deliver, Cock blames himself for his wife's death. However, the powerful CEO promises Cock that he will erase the charges against him, as long as he can turn his daughter straight....INSERTION!
  
• Rather than the subconscious being a bunch of people attacking the protagonists, the subconscious is a bunch of people trying to have sex with the protagonists!


• The dead wife keeps popping up in the dreams because she's a part of Cock's subconsious; she keeps trying to bang him but if he submits then he'll wake up and never see his kids. In the wet dream within the wet dream within the wet dream he gets rid of her by faking an orgasm.


• The gravity-free/rotating hallway fight scene becomes a gravity-free/rotating hallway sex scene.


• That annoying bitch from Juno isn't an architect but a lingerie-designer.


• One of the characters has a premature ejaculation problem so everyone on the team is like "You can't do this mission; you'll only last a second and that will jeapardize us!" and he's like "Don't worry. I got this." And to do that he get's drunk.


• The identity-forger dude turns into Rosie O'Donnel in one of the dreams, to scare the lesbian into becoming straight. That sex scene will be gratiously eliminated from the movie.


• Inception was in IMAX....so will Insertion.


• The movie ends with Cock in the wet dream within a wetdream within a wetdream. He fakes the orgasm with his wife (eliminating her as the antagonist) and then finds the CEO's daughter and gives it to her so hard and well that the idea she should be straight is incepted in her mind. Also, she comes at the same time as the car in the first wet dream hits the water and the hotel room dropping in the second dream. Try that for dramatic montage/climaxes!

Best idea ever! I know! And you're welcome.

Lady Gaga at Lolla / Bonnaroo Flashbacks

So last Friday I went to Lollapalooza. While walking around Grant Park I experienced two Bonnaroo flashbacks:

• There's nothing scarier than being drunk at night and trying to walk through drug-induced girls who are dancing via the use of hula hoops. I remember Tim and I having two manuever through some during Stevie Wonder and I was positively terrified; it was like when Sean Connery had to go through the boiler in "The Rock"...except the stakes were higher at Bonnaroo.
• Chris was blown away by how many girls were at Lolla. I agreed and pointed out that at Bonnaroo they were less clothed (sometimes even naked) and actually of age. Which made assimilating back into real life even more difficult becuase I would walk down Bardstown Road and pass girls and think "why aren't they in bikinis and slurring their words?!" It also lead to constant cleavage withdrawal.

Speaking of Lollapalooza, Lady Gaga performed. To say he/she was awful would be an understatement. I could go into detail about the set list, the long breaks between songs, the "skits" that would make most mentally-challenged people read like Shakespeare, and her attempt to inspire the crowd, but I think I can summarize all that by saying this: Lady Gaga was so bad, her live performance should replace baseball as the thing that guys think of when they don't want to come yet. Just typing that has probably delayed my orgasms for the next decade. Gaga is many things, but boring as hell shouldn't be one of them

Also, apparently she is celibate because she thinks if she sleeps with a man he will steal her creativity through her vagina. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Everyone knows only men can be creative. And the real reason is because she doesn't want anyone to discover her penis.