Depression & the Tao of Kenny Powers

[Note: the events of this story took place a week ago on Desperation Day weekend; I've just been busy all week with the move to post this]

I woke up Sunday morning depressed. Not sure why or when exactly it happened seeing as how the last thing I remembered on Saturday night was trying to steal a painting at Zanzibar and subsequently expressing my hatred for the bar through facebook at 11:18 p.m. (yes, both classic Dawson). But something happened between then and me waking up at noon that caused a seismic shift between my outlook and the person I've always strived to be.

Like everyone, I have good days and bad. However, they're mostly good days (bad days to me being solely caused by there being no new How I Met Your Mother on Mondays, wanting Chick-fil-A on Sunday, and when UK gets another good basketball recruit). This may come as a surprise to the many people who think I'm an asshole but when I wake up I'm actually very excited. Even if I have a typical day with nothing new or exciting I still like it because even mundane days are exciting for me.

Sunday was different. Even though it was almost comically warm and sunny outside, I felt detached and grey. I felt both imprisoned by the empty house and averse to leave it, sensing something bad would happen to me. As I lay curled up on the couch watching two douchebag teams (Celtics and Heat) play, I racked my brain for the source of this depression. I was definitely at Zanzibar at 11:20, knew from a receipt found in my jeans that I had been to Molly Malone's, and I sent some texts at 4:15 a.m. about yelling at people for fun and watching Sex and the City (yeah, that text confused me, too***). What happened in that 12 hours between Zanzibar and waking up that caused me to feel so depressed (and no that is not some Dashboard Confessional/Conor Oberst liberal usage of the word depression, this was legit sadness like the video below....except I wasn't crying and Robin Williams wasn't there)

It was if during my blackout stupor, I had discovered a long lost abyss, somewhere in the Highlands (hell it could have been in Ohio, Tennessee or Virginia because we all know I tend to wander while drunk...I'm like an Uruk-hai the way I can cover ground). And in front of this abyss, I sat and stared until every ounce of good will leaked out of my body and all that was left was loneliness, confusion, and alcohol.

Is that overdramatic? Without a doubt. Also vaguely douchey with a smattering of self-importance. But that shouldn't delude the very real fact that Sunday I was the lowest I'd been in a long long time. Even worse I didn't really know the source of this melancholy. During my bender I had unwittingly revealed a long hidden pain that had been buried and pushed to some deep recess of my mind.

And in this gloom I suddenly remembered when one of my role models was at the lowest point in his life.

No, it wasn't Han Solo while frozen in carbonite.

Or Hank Moody after being arrested at the end of season three.

Nor was it Bruce Wayne after the Joker blows up Rachel.

No, not even Barney Stinson after he had the "yips" and couldn't hit on girls.

Or James Bond after Vesper drowns herself.


Nope....it was Kenny Fucking Powers....and he inspired me in ways that would make God blush.




To be continued in "Chapter Two: The Next Chapter"


***So I sent this text out saying "we" so I assumed JC crashed at our house, too, seeing as how he and I had gone drink-for-drink. Turns out he got a ride home earlier that night, so what should I make of the plural? Was someone else with me? Even more odd there was a pair of earrings on the coffee table the next morning that I assumed belonged to AM; however, upon talking to her recently I found out she doesn't even have pierced ears. On top of that, my bed was supremely messed up. When I woke up the next day I just assumed that was from drunk sleep and/or Inception dreams. So either I stole a girl's earrings, pulled a Gollum and started referring to myself as two people and then slept on both sides of my bed...or brought a girl home while being legit blackout drunk for at least four hours. And people say love is dead.

Top 10 Songs of 2010

So I'm not what you call a music blogger, per se (but if you're into that shit check out http://sussudio-oh-oh.blogspot.com/ ). And for most of the year I just listened to Smile:the Best of Nat King Cole (old), Exile on Main Street (older), and Stadium Arcadium (2006)...but occasionally I get the new music bug and 2011 had some amazing music.

(10) "Sometimes" by Miami Horror

Aside from having the best band name ever, Miami Horror just makes solid summer dance music. It's like Daft Punk and the Avalanches had a kid...and that kid wasn't nearly as cool as his parents but will still a solid dude.

(9) "Time" by Hans Zimmer from the Inception Soundtrack

Obviously the most iconic part of the soundtrack is the "BWaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmm" sound when the road all of a sudden curves up but I'm a big fan of the ending song, when Jack Dawson is getting off the airplane and going through the airport. Starting at the 2:30 mark the song gets really good. I also like playing this song while I clean the house or cook; it makes mopping the floors or cutting vegetables seem like an epic and dangerous task.

(8)"Diplomat's Son" by Vampire Weekend

Easily my favorite song from VW's second album and probably tied with "Walcott" and "M79" as my favorite VW song. I drove around Oldham county with sun roof open and windows down listening to this song on repeat. Definitely makes me want to be a fucked up rich kid who vacations in the Northeast on the summer AKA a Kennedy.

(7) "Tell 'Em" by Sleigh Bells

How can you not get pumped after hearing this song!? If Tom Brady had listened to this before the Pats playoff game we would have a Patriots/Bears Super Bowl (yeah Brady getting pumped for that game has no effect on the Bears beating the Packers but a guy can dream, right?"

(6) "I Just Had Sex" by the Lonely Island --

"i think she was a racist / doesnt matter i had sex" enough said

(5) "Dancing On My Own" by Robyn

As anyone that has ever lived with me knows, I am a sucker for poppy dance music and Robyn is replacing Lady Gaga and Madonna as my favorite. She is pretty big everywhere aside from the U.S. but that will change this year. Also this is the first time I have seen the music video...not the biggest fan but I am totally stealing her drum move at the 2:42 mark as my go-to dance move.

(4) "Derezzed" by Daft Punk

I was a big fan of the movie but the music made it a million times better. Listen to this album the next time you're on an elliptical or treadmill and it transforms your workout into something amazing. Running to this soundtrack is better than most sex [side note: not really sure if this poorly reflects my love life/sexual prowess or just makes me sound like a nerd....leaning towards both]

(3) "Sorrow" by the National

Tim insisted we see the National while at Bonnaroo and I've been absolutely hooked since then. They're like the Smiths except the the singer is actually good and he has a last name. Just kidding. Not really, the Smiths are about as overrated as the American version of the Office. But back to the Nationals. This song has slowly replaced "Mr. November" as my favorite National song...I don't know if it is because I completely relate to it or because it slowly crescendos but the payoff is more emotional than a giant sonic climax or what. But beautiful and haunting and oddly upbeat if you are a hopeless romantic.

(2) "All Of The Lights" by Kanye West

I love everything about this song. And the first time I heard it I thought MJ referred to Michael Jordan...yeah, I'm dumb.

(1) "Lost In The World" by Kanye West and Bon Iver

Yes I can have the top two songs be from the same album. Especially when it's the best album of the year (even the twats at pitchforkmedia thought so, too). When I first read that Bon Iver was going to be on the new Kanye album I was intrigued, confused, and excited. But the result is better than I could have imagined. I think starting at 2:22 is so beautiful and reflective and that's something you can't often say about Kanye's music. During the snow storms I'd drive around the Highlands listening to this song on repeat and the imagery outside mixed with the narrative of the story was...well...cool for lack of a better word. And to think our president called him a jackass.

First Stream of Consciousness of 2011

I'm 26! good fucking lord. 25 gave some comfort, knowing you were still in the first quarter of your life. the first season. spring? although who the hell wants to live until 100? but 26....its like that time of the night when you realize the bar closes in three hours. knowing that sense of finality makes the drinks weaker, the music louder and the girls less appealing.

speaking of girls, is it possible that a guy can have daddy's issues over a girl? like when a girl never feels love and affection from a father, that sense of inadequacy manifests itself into a rigorous desire to prove themselves to the father and gain his love...or the attention of other guys (daddy issues, along with alcohol and the notebook DVD do account for 92% of all hookups) to compensate for the lack of love and attention that they truly crave and believe they need to feel in order to be complete. but is it possible for a guy to have daddy issues over an old lover? having the desire and need to feel loved by the person that never did love you. i've been hurt worse before but this need to prove myself to a girl is infinitely more frustrating...i can't tell if it's pathetic or romantically competitive.

inception is one of those movies that is only good on even numbered viewings. i didn't like it the first time i saw it, loved it the second time i saw it, didnt like it the third time i saw it, liked it the forth time. so its basically like sex in the shower.

i just got a text saying "have you seen the new poptart commercial? bc you look like the kid in it." apparently the commercial was played during the bachelor. why doesnt ir surprise me that they advertise breakfast pastries featuring manboys that look like me during the bachelor?

i should be on the bachelor.

bukowski once said "what matters most is how well you walk through the fire" i totally agree with that but i think drowning would be a better metaphor bc you can't stop drop and roll.

i was bored at work so i signed up for okcupid....its basically facebook for lonely people. there's also a lot of fat girls. the first time i signed on it was like being in a manatee convention and all their profile pics were windows at a manatee aquarium.

that was mean. but thats honestly what i thought.

i need to write more. this is a good start.